my name is cool

I’m not pregnant yet.  Dammit.  I was so SURE that this would be the month!  Nausea? check.  Weird olfactory issues?  check.  Weird eating issues?  check.  Crazy bloating?  check.  Late period?  check.  

And then I got it today.  Lame.  And now that it’s been four months of trying and failing, I guess we’re going to start charting again.  Man, I hate charting.  But I guess it has to be done.  

I’m also going to slow down on the booze and start eating better and working out again.  I think that part of the reason it happened so fast last time is because I was still in great shape from the wedding/honeymoon (and I was 35).  Now I’m 2 years older and my body just isn’t the same.  So, starting tomorrow:  cardio, healthy food, cutting back on the booze for a while.  Not that I’ve been hitting the bottle like a crazy person, but I’ve just seen too many studies linking booze consumption (and nutrition, and general health/fitness) to fertility issues.  But, hey, if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t it doesn’t.  I’m still not changing the deadline; if I’m not knocked up by April 2010, Kitten is going to be an only child.  

Well this has been a downer of a post so far.  On the bright side, I got to see a lot of my friends today!  I hosted brunch at my place and I made some tasty treats and had many yummy mimosas.  I think I’m going to have to make this a regular occurance.

Okay, it’s been almost a month since I’ve posted.  I know, I suck.  And I have a ton of updates like Kitten’s birthday party and Kryss and Jamie’s visit and just life in general, but those will have to wait because right now I want to focus on ME!  Specifically, my 2nd anniversary.

Grossman will be out of town on business for our 2nd anniversary, and we’d agreed to no gifts anyway, so it really wasn’t a big deal to me.  Cut to this morning when I’m working on a project and he asks if I’m ready for my anniversary present now.  Uh, we’re not doing them?  Wrong!  I open the present, and it’s a blindfold.  I’m kind of confused, because he’s not the S&M type.  Plus, the baby is in the room.  He says that it’s only the first part, and the second part will happen after I’m “presentable”.  He has a point; I was in sweats and a sweater, kinda grody, hadn’t even washed my face yet this morning.  I put on some clothes and then we’re in the car, and I’m blindfolded.

I’m of course trying to track where we’re going, and I know we took a left on Parker, and he makes what feels like a U-turn on Custer, and he says “know where you are?”  I say that we just took a U-turn and he replies, no, it was a left, and I’m not going to help you anymore.  A little bit later I feel what could be a right and a yield, and then we’re obviously on a highway, and then before long we’re at the destination.  We get out, he says “there’s a door here” and he opens it, and because I’m me and a total klutz, I walk into the OTHER door like an idiot.

In the building, blindfold off, and it’s a mattress store; the traditional second anniversary gift is cotton and grossman did research.  I’m stunned because omg, we’re getting a NEW MATTRESS!  Even better?  He lets me pick out whichever one I want!  If you only knew how long I’ve wanted a new mattress.  And on Monday afternoon, we’ll have a brand new Four Seasons king sized bed.  Grossman is the BEST!

Yup, it’s official.  I’m a bad mommy.  She was doing her usual “I’m tired but I don’t wanna go to bed WAAAAAH” thing last night, so we did our usual “we’ll give it 10 minutes” and in the meantime we turned down the volume a bit on the monitor because we were watching tv, but we could still hear it.  Sure enough, she was out in about 6 minutes.

Cut to this morning.  I wake up fully refreshed, happy that she slept the whole night and I got to wake up on my own without her waking me up first.  It happens occasionally, and I love it!  And then I look at the clock and see that it’s 9:15, so that’s a LONG time to not hear from her.  I walk out to the living room, look for the monitor and see that a) it’s not in it’s usual place and b) it’s turned way down.  Ugh.  Double ugh.  She’s awake, and she’s PISSED.

I go in there and she’s hanging out, talking to her monkey and playing with her mobile and I go up to her to get her out of the crib and she wants nothing to do with me.  Lots of waving of arms and babbling at me and wow.  Not happy.  I leave the room to go start coffee and she’s yelling, so I come back to get her and again with the waving of arms.  Dude, she’s so pissed at me.  Bad mommy bad mommy!  I finally get her out and change her diaper and take her to the kitchen to get breakfast, and she’s all “oh no… no no no I can crawl there MYSELF thankyouverymuch!”

This is going to be a fun day.  I’m hoping that when she wakes up from her nap that she’ll forget that I’m a bad guy.

Disclaimer:  All parents think their kid is the coolest.  They just do.  Sure, your kid has probably done all of the same shit mine has done, you’ve seen it before, whatever.  So you can just stop reading right now because it’s going to be one of *those* posts.  I’m going to totally brag about how awesome my kid is.  This is going to be a “my kid is cooler, smarter, prettier, and better than yours, so suck it” post.

So, yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  Our whole household was sick for a bit, and then school sucked up my life, and I kind of forgot about posting, blahblahblah I’m a slacker blah.  So here’s your update.

*  As of yesterday Kitten now has four teeth!  FOUR!  Two on the bottom, and two on the top.  She’s had the bottom two forever, and we’ve been wondering when the top ones were going to break through because it seems like she’s been teething for weeks.  Well, the answer to that is “yesterday”.  I went in when she woke up to find a bit of a bloody lip and some blood on her sheet, and sure enough…teeth!  So sharp!  She’s going to have a toothy grin for her first birthday.

*  She’s talking!  Okay, so not really “talking” talking, but there’s a lot of babbling happening and some of it even makes sense now.  So far, we have:
“fphwoof” = what sound a doggie makes
“fphfph” = bubbles (as in, “I’d like to go outside and watch you blow bubbles, please”)
“DAda” = daddy
“da DA!” = bye bye
“DA!” = car/truck
“DA da daH” = daddy’s car
*DA dah da!” = diaper change
“DAH dah” = thank you
“bah bah” = bottle
*smacky kissy noise” = exactly what you think it would be.  KISSES!
*guh goo* = monkey
*uunnhhh!* = want!
*djun djun djun* = we have no idea but it’s REALLY cute!
“na na na na na” (sometimes accompanied by hand in mouth) = NO

* she understands me.  no, really, she does!  I say “come here, babygirl” and she follows.  She does something that she’s not supposed to, and all I have to do is use my stern mommy voice and say “no” and sign it and she totally gets the “ooooo… my bad” look.  and sometimes all I have to do is sign “no” and she totally gets it.  She’s all over the “no” sign, but in a good (for me) way.  Yay baby signs!

* we no longer refill toilet paper.  because she’ll unroll it and we can’t stop laughing about it.  She sees a toilet paper roll filled and it.is.ON!  And grossman and I can’t stop laughing when it happens so we’re horrible disciplinarians about it.

*  we looooove the swing!  omg LOVE!  she loves being on the swing so much that I’m thinking about buying a swingset just because.  And she’s totally action/adventure “must.go.higher” girl.  The other day we were at the park and swinging and there was a little boy next to us who was way older, like 18-24m. old and his mom was “swinging” him, and I say “swinging” because she would barely push him and he was almost crying because he was scared and his mom was all “oh my you’re swinging her so high!” and i’m all “uh, YEAH, do you see her laughing!?  she LOVES it!”

*  walkies!  And by “walking”, I mean “kind of ambling like a drunk person for 1-2 steps at a time”.  Totally cute, totally swaying and rambling, and I’m almost in tears watching it because where did my baby go and who is this toddler!?!?!

* her first birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I’m kind of freaking out about it.  Not because she’s going to be one and omg where did my baby go, but more like “omg i have to have a party where the fuck and I going to put all of these people!?”  But I’m totally excited because my friends Jamie and Kryss are coming out and I can’t wait to see them again!  I know they’re totally coming out to see my baby, but whatever.  (btw Jamie is making the most excellent invites EVER and I can’t wait till people get them!)

*  she waves at all cars, and it’s SO cute!  especially the lady who drives the yellow truck, because she honks and revs her truck and babygirl loves it!

*  she’s still not a cuddler.  I know how some women go on about how they love to cuddle with their babies in bed and be all cuddly and shit and snuggle with them.  Not ours.  Our kid is a total touch-me-not and I KNOW she gets it from me because I’m totally anti-cuddle and have been for most of my life.  In fact, my parents tell me about how they wanted a baby to cuddle and how for most of my life I resisted in a huge way, so it’s totally genetic.  She wants nothing to do with the cuddle or the hugging or the snuggling for the most part unless it’s on HER terms and even then it lasts a whole 10 seconds if we’re lucky.  She’ll make an overture and hug us as if to say “I want to make sure you love me so here’s a hug just to keep you hanging on and when I’m done and if you try to make it last longer I’m just going to get all kinds of pissed off”, and then she’s done.

*  sometimes I do wish she was more of a cuddly snuggly baby, but then I remember how much I love MY own space so I’m totally respectful of hers.

*  She is so amazingly cute and awesome and amazing, and sometimes I’m still stunned that I’m a mom.  Her smile lights up my day, she laughs and it’s the most fantastic sound I’ve ever heard, she reaches for me and I feel like I’m the biggest hero in the world.  I still marvel at how wonderful this whole experience is.

*  Grossman and I still have these moments where we just look at each other and we’re all “this. is. AWESOME!”  It’s like omg, we have THE coolest kid EVER!  And I think that is the best feeling of all.  That feeling of  “omg we made a human, and she’s COOL!”  It’s never going to get old.  I love her!!

Hellcat.  For real.  We are in the middle of teething MADNESS, I tell you.  Her top gums are so swollen and red and she’s SO sad.  Lots of crying, coughing, sniffles, low-grade fever, tired, more crying, not hungry, world of attitude, and then occasionally more crying.  And on top of that she has a mild cold; not surprising seeing as how Grossman just had the flu, I have a cold, and now Grossman has MY cold.  World of sickies around here.  Thankfully my parents have been here all week so they could take care of the Monster while Grossman and I slept.  I’m not looking forward to Sunday when they leave.  Hellcat needs to get over her cold and get her teeth NOW while I still have help!

I finally saw red today.  I was nine days late.  NINE!  Nine days of ridiculous PMS, some symptoms of which can also be symptoms of early pregnancy, and since we’re trying to breed The Spare of course I went completely insane and turned into one of those psycho women that buys out all of the pregnancy tests at Dollar Tree and tests every time she takes a piss.  Okay, well not every time.  But literally twice a day.  I’m not kidding.  What.The.FUCK.

And I thought I’d be disappointed to get my period, but you know what?  I’m so relieved.  Nine days, people.  I seriously didn’t care if I was pregnant or late, I just wanted SOMETHING because I’m not the kind of chick that enjoys limbo.  This also explains my Schrodinger’s Cat reference in my prior post, because I was both pregnant and NOT pregnant at the same time.  I joked to Grossman that if I was knocked up we were going to call it Schroder.  So, yeah, the cat died.  I’m ragging.  And ragging hard, too.  It’s like a red tidal wave going on in my area.  It’s the first real non-pill-related period since the last time I went off the pill in 2007.  I hope I get knocked up soon because my non-regulated periods suuuuuck.

I like breakfast babyfood.  Not the grody rice cereal stuff, but the “good morning” varieties from Beech Nut…those are good eatin’.  Especially the Good Morning Muesli with Yogurt and Raisins.  Nummy!!  I also like the Good Morning Cinnamon Raisin Granola.  The Creamy Wheat with Peaches smells like rotten ass, though; Kitcat didn’t like it either.  She also dislikes the Gerber Apples Cinnamon and Oatmeal one, which is weird because she loves all things apple.  Oh well, more for me!

Same shit different day.  Stuff is going on, I’m stressed as hell, but I’m choosing not to blog about it publicly just yet.  No, it’s nothing bad.  It’s kind of a Schrodinger’s Cat situation.

Oh good, the kid is awake.  Time to start another long ass week.

Ugh.  So I went off the pill around NYEve so we can start working on The Spare, and I’m now remembering what my periods are like when I’m not on hormones.  I’m due to rag tomorrow, and today has been made entirely of bloating, gas (you’re welcome), cramps, and fatigue.

And then about an hour ago the munchies started.  I. Want. CHOCOLATE!  we don’t have any.  POTATO CHIPS!  NOOOWWWW!!!  I would cut a bitch for potato chips, french onion dip, and a coke.  Yeah, none of those either.  I could really eat the hell out of some nacho cheese.  Nope, no ingredients.  Oh oh oh, there’s the malt stuff, I could make a chocolate malt!  If I had ice cream.  Chocolate cake mix!!  Goddamn it there’s no frosting and I don’t want to make frosting.  FUCK.  fuckity fuck fuck FUCK!  Why did we get rid of all of the junk food goddamn it!

Grossman found a bag of chocolate chips in the fridge (no clue how long they’ve been there, don’t care), so I’m eating handfuls of that and alternating with handfuls of wasabi peas while watching Biggest Loser.  I also dug out my maternity yoga “eating” pants because I’m a bloated mess right now.  The only thing that would make this better is if I had a beer.

Class in a glass, that’s me.

Grossman told Kitten another Three Little Pigs story this morning.  I’ll do my best to recap:

“Once upon a time there were three little pigs.  The first pig was made out of clay.  The second pig was made entirely of monkeys.  And the third pig was made out of Superman!!  The first pig didn’t do very much, because, well, he was made out of clay.  The second pig did a lot of things all at the same time, but not very well, because he was made out of monkeys.  And third pig did EVERYTHING because he was Superman!   The end.”

I’m just going to go ahead and set up a paypal account now for y’all to contribute to my child’s future therapy needs.  Thanks.